I had a big meeting at the office, hosting seven of the most senior leaders in a kick-off brainstorming session to give us direction on a major multi-million pound project. It was not only a big opportunity for me to show what I could do, but it also had to go well so I could get the project started in time - and I was worried. It was on my mind for weeks before and I felt slightly sick whenever it popped into my head.
What was going on? I was fearing it, and that fear was a thief robbing me of the joy and excitement of what had the potential to be a really positive experience.
The Thief
It’s well recognised by almost every metric going, that while all parts of our lives are far better than they were in the past, our society has never been more stressed, worried and anxious. We’ve realised that we are consumed by an old enemy: fear. And fear is a thief.
What is the thief stealing? When we give in to fear (almost always semi or subconsciously), we are robbed of joy: the opportunity to actually enjoy something and the freedom that comes from feeling empowered and confident in a situation. Fear holds us back from being all-in and keeps us away from the opportunity to grow and flourish and it turns us in on ourselves, taking away our ability to be generous, outward looking people.
"Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears." Rudyard Kipling
Why does fear become a thief?
Fear isn’t in itself a bad thing. If a lion is charging towards us, it’s fear that spurs us to the wise action - run! Thanks fear! Fear becomes a thief when it’s too big or too small - when it’s not appropriately sized for the object of the fear.
Fear that is too big is like the thief that mugs us in the street. My fear of my meeting was too big in that I was fearing the worse-case scenario of everyone being unsupportive and resulting in a bad outcome at work and a damaged reputation.
Fear that is too small (like when we try to ignore it) is like the thief that sneaks in at night and we’re not even aware of it until it’s too late. If our fear was too small when the lion was running towards us, we’d be glorified cat food. It’s not that the fear itself is necessarily bad, but if it’s too big or too small, fear is not helping us, it’s robbing us of joy (of a great meeting with some exciting implications...and survival, in the case of the lion).
So we don’t want to get rid of fear but rather use our fear. Fear can be our wisdom, but only when it’s put in its place and its crippling power is extinguished. The opposite of fear isn’t not fearing anything; it’s joy in the face of fear, sometimes known as courage. So how do we put the thief in its place and enjoy the immeasurable benefits of being bold?
Name your fears
Articulating our fears takes away the power of the thief and puts fear back in its rightful place. On my walk to the station on the day of my meeting I started naming my fears. I realised that, while there was a lot riding on the meeting, my fears were the worse-case scenario, extremely unlikely and even a little silly. On top of that, it was pretty obvious - as soon as I named them, the fear lost its power; it was like bringing them out of the darkness into the light to see them as they really were.
We have found it can be enough to do this individually - as soon as you say them out loud, it’s very clear they are nonsensical and the power of the thief has been extinguished. Even better? Talking them through with someone you trust.
Once named, the fear should be used. When it is the right size, fear can spur us to the wise action (like fleeing from the lion). For me, once the thief’s power had been extinguished, I used the weightiness of the meeting to prepare well. I practised my brief introduction out loud and made sure the room was set up as I wanted. All this resulted in a sense of freedom to go into the meeting feeling confident and energised. As it turned out, everyone was really supportive, really played ball in getting involved in the brainstorming and we came out with some really exciting ideas and direction for the future of the project.
Be bold
Over the last few years, we’ve had a growing sense that being bold often opens doors to new opportunities, growth, new ideas and greater joy. To be bold normally means doing things that are a little scary. To be bold, the thief has to be put in its place, its power extinguished so that fear is no longer a thief crippling us with anxiety and stopping us being bold. Rather it can become our wisdom, giving us confidence and the ability to face things with an expectation of learning and excitement about the adventure that lies ahead.
little BIG ideas
A little summary of this big idea using the 1000 most common words
We've noticed that fear can take away our feeling of being happy. It happens when you fear too much or fear too little. It needs to be put in its place. When it’s in the right place, we can use fear to help us to be happy. If we're afraid, it can help us to say what we fear out loud. The amazing thing is that this puts fear in it's place so we can enjoy new things.