We were part of a WhatsApp group with a number of other couples all welcoming their first baby into the world. It was mainly filled with two types of post. Joyful announcements of the first roll-over, first word, first solid food, and first step. There were also posts sharing the trials and challenges, worries and anxieties that come with looking after a completely dependent little human for the first time. Naturally, we were all comparing.
We soon realised that there’s a whole industry built around new-parent worry on the foundation of comparison. It starts before the first scan in the first trimester and it doesn’t stop there - it stays with us, through our schooling and into our social and work lives - comparison is the benchmarking that means we’re ‘ok’ or ‘not ok’; the verdict we proclaim on ourselves and others. As the saying goes, 'comparison is the thief of joy' (often attributed to (amongst others) Theodore Roosevelt, Mark Twain or C. S. Lewis).
Comparison is a thief
Comparison can be a super-power but it’s almost always a thief that steals our joy. It steals our ability to be content with who we are and what we have and instead produces in us a dissatisfaction and worry about what we’re not and don’t have. It can take over our every interaction, as we size-up, compare and make our judgement: where are we compared to them? Better? Worse? It can make it hard to celebrate other people’s achievements. Rather than being happy for their success, we judge ourselves to be not quite where we want to be, and wish they hadn’t made it.
And even more than that it causes worry and steals the delight of enjoying the journey, the significant and insignificant moments, and our fellow travellers for who they are and where they’re at.
Comparison can be a super-power (sometimes)
However, comparison isn’t always thief - it can be a superhero. Comparison can be a powerful tool for our learning and growth as sometimes we just need to ‘see it to do it’. Have you ever looked at someone else and had a bit of an ‘a-ha’ moment? Oh that’s what you could do, or that’s how you get there! I will never forget seeing the homework that someone else produced in the first week of secondary school. They had done way more than we were technically asked to do in the assignment, and they had deservedly got a good mark. That was an ‘a-ha’ moment and it’s never left me - figuring out how to go above and beyond is almost always rewarding.
Comparison can also be a powerful early warning system when something might be wrong. If a child isn’t reaching milestones consistently, it could be a sign that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. The comparison flags it up and can lead to vital action. There’s power in comparison.
These superhero capabilities are clearly brilliant and important. But at the same time we’ve found that more often than not, comparison should be handled carefully, sparingly and only used for the right purpose.
How to spot when the superhero turns into a thief
We have found that when we resist this thief, life becomes so much more joyful because we’re choosing freedom. Freedom from constantly judging ourselves and others and needing to reach a certain (meaningless?) benchmark to be ‘ok’. Freedom from worry that we’re not where we ‘should’ be. Freedom to enjoy who we are and what we have, rather than the dissatisfaction that is bred from constant comparison.
When coaching the 100m sprint, the rule is to look straight forward focusing on the finish line and run your own race. Don’t look sideways - if you do you’ll almost always lose.
We are all on different journeys and are different people with different joys, struggles, gifts and strengths. We’re not all the same (thankfully!) so catching ourselves in those comparison traps that we all have sets us on a path back to thwarting the thief and having joy today.
little BIG idea
A little summary of this big idea using the 1000 most common words
When we spend too much time looking at what other people are like and what they have, it can stop us being happy about what we are like and what we have.
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